Weird Ass Animals & The World We Live In

The Leviathan Melvillei

2010-07-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

The Leviathan melvillei

The OG killer whale. The Leviathan melvillei lived 13-14 million years ago. Recently, scientists discovered these giant teeth in their fossil records in the Pisco Basin in Peru.

The Leviathan -- an ancestor of the sperm whale -- apparently sat atop the marine animal food chain with the sharks as they apparently fed on other whales, most notably the smaller baleen whales.

The Great White Shark

2010-07-02T10:59:00.000-07:00

"Let the motherfucker go!"

The Grizzly Bear

2009-09-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

The Grizzly Bear

I love the United States.

Land of the free. Home of the brave.

Our court system allows us to be innocent until proven guilty and we are allowed a fair trial before a jury of our peers.

Bears, on the other hand, are fucked.

A 20-year-old grizzly bear in Montana was euthanized after it was discovered he'd been the culprit in a series of "home invasions" (see: looking for something to eat) over the years.

Apparently, we can give bears the death penalty for trespassing, but if you diddle with kids in inappropriate ways, you get five years in prison and parole.

The Grizzly Bear

2008-09-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

Bears for Obama!

It took $4.8 million to figure out there are 765 grizzly bears in Montana.

This is notable because presidential candidate Sen. John McCain said it was a waste of money. Sounds about right, not that he should be saying much of anything. I'd bet there's been plenty of bills endorsed by McCain that are wasteful.

Anyway, the census is good news for the grizz as it's the largest number of the Montana mammal in a billion years (see: 30).

Good for the grizzly bear. Bad for McCain. The bear voter is typically staunchly conservative. Also, grizzly bears weigh about 1,000 pounds, stand eight feet tall and can reach 40 miles per hour. And they're highly aggressive.

The Rasberry ant

2008-07-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

A while back, we reported on the "crazy" Rasberry ant.

Today, humans are fighting back.

The suits at the Environmental Protection Agency approved the use of fipronil in the human's fight against these ants that ruining everything in southeast Texas.

Fipronil is typically used to fight those bastards, the termites. Humans must gain appropriate permission from the almighty EPA to use it to battle other pests.

Needless to say, Rasberry ants are screwed.

The Polar Bear

2008-05-16T09:46:00.001-07:00

Don't let him fool you: He's a baby killer!

I know a lot of people who hate U.S. President George W. Bush.

Consider the war, the environment, the economy, the housing market, hurricane Katrina and probably buttloads more -- in theory, it can be all laid at his feet, or the fact that he hired inept people to take care of these things.

Well, friends, the greatest travesty of the Bush presidency has taken place.

The Bush tyranny recently added the polar bear to the endangered species list. Big mistake.

True, the nearest wild polar bear to the bulk of society is thousands and thousands miles away. But I wouldn't consider giving them "government protection" a good move.

A polar bear will eat you and not think twice. They don't hide behind the whole "oh-no-I-thought-you-were-a-seal" excuse, which has become a very convenient alibi for the shark. They're killers with no regard for life.

Hasn't anyone watched "The Golden Compass" or "Lost"?

Impeach Bush now!

The Rasberry ant

2008-05-16T09:21:00.000-07:00

Houston is a lot like this

A phenomenom of the highest wildlife order is taking place in Houston.

Rasberry ants are taking over. Called "crazy" due to the way they haphazardly scamper to and fro with little regard for direction, they're taking over most of the yards and fields in and around Houston.

Reasons why we all should be very afraid:

1. According to officials, you can spray and kill whatever Rasberry ants you have on your property. But a billion others are just waiting around the perimeter with no regard for their fallen comrades ready to invade.

2. They don't sting (or are apt not to). A little too suspicious.

3. They chew up wiring.

4. They're currently invading NASA and Hobby Airport. Oh, so they're going after our space program and a busy regional airport? What next? The Astrodome!?

5. They're named after some exterminator dude -- Tom Rasberry -- who discovered them. Seriously? We're just naming insect species after guys who chug a half a case of Coors Light after work and fall asleep watching "CSI"?

The Artic Circle

2008-05-02T09:29:00.000-07:00

The walrus

Recently finished a fantastic article in The New Yorker titled "A Dip in the Cold."

It is written by Lynne Cox, noted long-distance swimmer who swam the Northwest Passage from Greenland to Alaska.

In the story, she notes the different crazy-ass animals she was warned about during her swim. Thought we'd do a line-up and see who's guilty.

Greenland Shark
To me, the cold-water shark is shocking because you associate the shark with so many warm-water spots. Also interesting is that the Greeland shark rivals only the great white in size (up to 21 feet long).

Furthermore, the Greenland shark live in the deep, about 2,000 feet below and typically feed on fish and seals. The species is also "sluggish" and can be dragged out of the water with bare hands. In captured specimens, bits of reindeer, polar bear and horse have been found in their stomachs. Also, the flesh of the Greenland shark is poisonous, but not to another Greenland shark.

Walrus
According to a wildlife filmmaker who Cox speaks with, a walrus tried to drag a diver down. There are weird-ass animals, then there's the walrus. A full-grown male walrus can reach more than two tons in weight. Walruses are typically found in and around the Bering Strait and off Alaska and Russia. The tusks (which can get to one meter in length and weight 12 pounds) are used for male dominance brouhahas, but also for digging out holes in ice.

Most importantly, the walrus has the largest baculum, or penis bone, in any mammal -- up to 24 inches. "I Am The Walrus" takes on a whole new meaning.

Bowhead Whale
The second heaviest whale (behind the Blue) in the world. It can reach 61 feet in length and 152 tons. Also one of the few whales to spend their entire lives in the Artic as most migrate for food or reproduction.

The Bear

2008-04-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

Killing is easy

I'm convinced bears are just sitting around looking at humans and thinking to themselves, "Fish in a motherfucking barrel."

Then, every so often, you hear about a bear attack as if it's some shock.

If we could rank the animals humans should fear the most, the bear is top 2, at least.

Worst of all, celebrity bears are killing folks. Crazy bastards.

The Snake

2008-04-01T14:01:00.000-07:00

This is why we loosen the pant button

In Florida, a Burmese python attempted to eat a 6-foot alligator. Instead, in mid-digestion, the breadth of the gator was too much for the tummy of the snake.

The snake was split, as shown.

First off, this is further proof that snakes are dumber than shit.

Two, as cited in the article, are humans, again, altering the balance in wildlife. Most Burmese pythons in the Florida swamps are released by owners who don't want to mess with them (obviously, since Burma is not in Florida).

This shows that a python can kill an alligator -- the head honcho, the top of the Florida ecosystem. With the python on top, it could change a lot of things. Could the alligator stave off extinction and roll with evolution and be taken down by former pets? Stay tuned.

The Killer Spotted Eagle Ray

2008-03-27T13:57:00.000-07:00

Spotted eagle ray: coming for ya

'Tis war. If anyone is keeping count, it's rays 2, humans 0.

Last week, a spotted eagle ray jumped into a boat off the coast of Florida hitting and killing a woman, 57-year-old Judy Zagorski of Michigan.

Interestingly enough, this is like a one in a billion thing. I mean, Zagorski could not have ever guessed that this would've been her demise.

Furthermore, there was a giant cover-up of how Zagorski died. Intial reports stated that she was barbed, Steve Irwin-style, through the neck. Geez.

Secondary reports noted that the spotted eagle ray -- weighing in around 80 pounds, about six feet in wingspan -- hit Zagorski, knocked her back and she hit her head, killing her.

Finally, it came out that the sheer force of the ray hitting the woman killed her. Holy shit.

The New Zealand Artic

2008-03-27T13:47:00.001-07:00

Giant Starfish

Researchers just completed a survey of marine life in the Artic waters around New Zealand.

There, they found large sea spiders and snails, two-foot wide starfish and jellyfish with 12-foot long tentacles.

Let me tell you something about New Zealand: Having a firm respect to our animal brethren and sea brethren, you couldn't find me dead in New Zealand. That is a place that time and evolution forget. If they really wanted to dig they find some wacky-ass shit in the water, in the rock and in the bush. Beware!

The Plesiosaur

2008-02-27T11:41:00.000-08:00

The fact that a vast, vast amount of the Earth is largely unknown and unresearched is fascinating.

Just take the fucking Artic Ocean. That alone has a million years of fossils and shit just sitting around, most of it probably will never been seen or discovered only because there is so much Earth and so little researchers. If we had less crack addicts and homeless, maybe we'd find more alligator-like sea monster fossils. Maybe.

This thing is ridiculous. Longer than a humpback whale. Teeth the size of cucumbers.

What's worst is that researchers had to be wary of polar bears coming around, eating them and all that. What a story.

The Whale

2007-11-20T13:31:00.000-08:00

You're not welcome here, Whale

I wouldn't trust a whale as far as I could throw them.

You see, I've always said that whales are worthless and ill-mannered and now they're slipping up rivers in South America.

Get your guns and lock up your wives and daughters.

The Cloned Monkey

2007-11-20T13:27:00.000-08:00

The Monkey

Let me tell you something: The last flippin' animals we need to be cloning are monkeys. It's like cloning Nazis or September 11s. We don't need any more of those. Monkeys!

They're gonna take over soon.

According to Garrison:

"Me personally, I've always been against clonin'. There's already 'nough of everything I need.Except beers. Clone me some more Nattie 6-packs. Now, that'd be science put to good use. Besides, if you ask me, there's enough monkeys in the world as is. Never been a fan of 'em anyway."

The Chupacabra

2007-11-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

A wily coyote

In this very blog's original post, we reported on an alleged chupacabra capture.

Oops. It's a coyote. Nice try.

The Giant Wild Pig

2007-11-06T10:14:00.000-08:00

Making babies

Calling a wild pig that is 4-foot long "giant" is maybe stretching it. Roll down to the Waxahachie, Texas 4-H barn and there's porkers the size of barn doors.

Nonetheless, who am I to besmirch a wild pig that experts don't have any real clue about?

The Dinosaur

2007-10-16T08:51:00.000-07:00

Yeah, like he's surviving anything

Here's a fantastic dinosaur extinction theory:

They were too fucking big. Imagine trying to sustain those huge masses (in addition to the other billion or however many dinosaurs there were) with food and adequate water. Or, probably, many food and water sources became simply inaccessible. It would be extremely difficult and all you need is one hella bad winter or summer and you got dinosaurs dropping every where. Hell, I get sweaty now. Imagine a big momma like a Brontosaurus trying to ride out a Texas summer. Ain't happening, bozo.

Here's a fantastic dinosaur extinction theory II:

They're not really extinct. Well, some are. But others merely evolved by shrinking (and therefore being able to reach certain food and water sources) and thus becoming a highly sustainable organism.

The Elephant

2007-10-08T10:53:00.001-07:00

Snuffy was always a giant wuss

I have a giant theory about elephants: they're really much smarter than humans.

Although they may be pansies for running away from the sound of bees, who the hell would want to stick around to get the shit stung out of them? Therefore, elephants are smart.

The Snake

2007-09-26T06:55:00.000-07:00

"I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"

What's fascinating about Earth is the fact that humans have been around for millions upon millions of years and yet we have failed to A) discover and reserach most of the planet including underwater and some on land; B) discover all the species of flora and fauna.

In Vietnam, they're finding all kinds of new snakes and butterflies and shit. Which means that there are new snakes for me to shoot with my .12 gauge.

The Bison

2007-09-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

Have any cow in you? Want some? Zing!

In Harry Potter translation: the Catalina bison are mudbloods.

The Alligator

2007-09-19T05:47:00.000-07:00

Alligator arm

Alligators are a very large muse for this blog. We've always just taken these animals for granted, but the fact of the matter is that there may not be a bigger link to the prehistoric animals than the gator and croc. Look at them. They're fucking dinosaurs, just smaller. Jesus, they creep me out. And they like human arms.

The Giraffe

2007-09-12T05:49:00.000-07:00

Sad, sad news out of Dallas. The world's oldest giraffe, Hildy, died yesterday. Technically, she was killed. Zookeepers found her lying down and determined that she wouldn't walk again so they took behind the woodshed and shot her.

Just joking.

How they know that there isn't an older giraffe in Africa, I have no idea. Nonetheless, she was born in 1973 (much older than me) and had six baby giraffes (slut!). Heaven now has a giraffe.

The Gray Whale

2007-09-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

If this gray whale looks too skinny, it's because the of the climate change, which is due to me burning oil wells for fun

Remember when drop-offs in certain whale populations was blamed on hunting? Ahh, the days of pre-global warming hype. Alas, gray whales are fooling everyone and no one.

The Dingo and The Tasmanian Tiger

2007-09-10T10:37:00.001-07:00

I had a date that looked like that once in college: The Tasmanian tiger

We go down under here to learn about two of Australia's most fascinating inhabitants, not including British prisoners: the Dingo and the Tasmanian Tiger. The article suggests a reason for the Tasmanian Tiger extinction.

It also hypothesizes why there was never a "Crocodile Dundee 4." Which is rather unrelated, but equally as fascinating.

The Red- and Black-Throated Diver

2007-09-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

Both the red- and black-throated diver, native to Scotland the surrounding habitats, are on the increase as far as breeding and stuff. Of course, everyone knows that the birds are also known as "rain geese" in the area as it is thought that they can foretell the coming of rain.

I think this all means one thing: hunting trip to Scotland. Kill us some rain birds.

The Bees

2007-09-07T06:15:00.001-07:00

My favorite bees were the cartoon ones that would attack the antagonist by -- as a hive -- form the shape of an arrow and catch him/her right in the ass. Not a bunch of individual stings. Just one, collective sting.

Now all the bees have HIV. And because of it, all our produce is going down the crapper.

The Shark

2007-09-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

Crazy-ass sharks.

The Tyrannosaurus Rex

2007-09-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

Tyrannosaurus Rex

As much as I found this article interesting (dinosaurs being the true muse behind this blog), I am also underwhelmed. Haven't we always assumed that T Rexes could outrun a human? The long legs and relatively quick movement ... I mean, did we really need scientists to clear this up. Nonetheless, good dinosaur news in this time of woe and want.

The Ancient Beehives

2007-09-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

Just some more stuff older than Jesus. I'm glad to see our archealogists hard at work, digging up bee hives and crap.

The Chupacabra

2007-09-05T13:47:00.000-07:00

If I'm gonna do this blog, I gotta start with the biggie: The Chupacabra! Found in Texas no less, eatin' goats and shit. I'd shoot the son of a bitch with my 12-gauge.